Funny Messed Up Stuff on Liveleak

My children messed up the furniture...

when i got home from work i said "Oh how the tables have turned..."

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

In a alternative universe where humans lay eggs.

omelettes would still be a seriously messed up thing to eat.

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

A mailman was trying to tell a joke while transporting a package

But he messed up the delivery

What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement?

Not enough cement

What did the messed up psychologist have for dinner?

Freud rice.

A dyslexic messed up the sign to a whorehouse. It sounded like a furniture store...

The sign read, "Oriental Rugs and Tubs".

My niece told me this one, she technically messed up the joke, but I thought it was a hilarious and unexpected take on the original

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Orange."

"Orange who?"

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Orange."

"Orange who?"

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Orange."

"Orange who?"

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Banana."

"Banana who?"

"Banana you glad I didn't say orange?"

I messed up planning my New Year's party

I guess you could say I dropped the ball.

Frozen...

Text Message from Wife:
Windows frozen. Won't Open.

Husband:
Pour lukewarm water on window. Tap gently with hammer to free windows.

Wife:
Computer really messed up now. Nothing works.

You can explore messed mess reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean messed straighten dad jokes. There are also messed puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

My dad dropped this joke on a dinner with my girlfriend and I couldn't help but to bust out laughing

Girls are like public bathrooms. All the clean ones are always taken and the only ones left are so messed up and dirty you don't want to go inside.

The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike.

I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."

*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*

A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...

It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"

"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."

I downloaded corn onto my computer.

It messed up the kernel.

My friend told his girlfriend that he wants lots of children

It's pretty messed up how excited she got about dating a pedophile.

What's the most messed up trap for Santa?

A Nicolas Cage.

Doctor, I messed up.

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You fat cow, you have completely ruined my life!"

I used to take naps on a bike until someone stole the tires

They really messed with my sleep cycle.

How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question. = I have 18 questions.

I'll look into it. = I've already forgotten about it.

I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further. = Don't ask me about this again.

No worries. = You really messed up this time.

Take care. = This is the last you'll ever hear from me.

Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

The rabbi really messed up that circumcision...

It was a total rip-off.

I messed up my foot pretty bad.

The doctors said it would take a while to heel.

Heroin really messed up my household...

All the spoons are missing.

Somebody messed up my small weighing scale.

I was like 0MG!

I think Samsung has messed up with my new phone's shipment.

I had booked a Galaxy Note ''S7'', not C4.

Please stop

A guy jumps a car on a bike and crashes hard. doctors amputate both his legs.Being the daredevil that he is he jumps his wheelchair over a bus and again crashes even harder. He's so messed up now the doctors have to do a full body amputation.His family plead with him to stop while he's ahead.

My wife messed with my charging cable...

I was shocked.

Adele requested and got a reset/restart on her song at the Grammy because she messed up

The Atlanta Falcons would also like to replay the 4th Quarter of the Superbowl

Did you hear about the taxidermist who messed up the award?

It was a real catasstrophy!

Was driving down the street when I saw someone getting jumped by 3 guys. I quickly pulled over and ran towards the scene.

I got there and the 4 of us messed him up good.

Source: 75 year old Mexican father-in-law

I used to hate it when people slightly messed up proverbs...

But I guess it's no use crying over spoiled milk.

I recently bought a German car, but the navigation system is all messed up.

It only gives directions to Poland.

If I had a dollar for every time I messed up the punchline

To get to the other side

What is the difference between a pet dog and a pet tree?

The bark is much quieter and throwing a stick for it to Chase is seriously messed up

So these two clowns...

These two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One clown looks at the other and says:
"I think we messed this joke up somewhere along the line..."

The wage gap is sexist, because a woman gets 70 cents for every dollar a man makes...

... then the man is only left with 30 cents. That's messed up.

A bar walks into a person...

wait guys i messed up

IAmA teacher, and the other day I messed up by hiring the wrong substitute for my history class.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A Russian artist was drawing a landscape and he messed up...

...so he had to retrace his steppes.

My college professor messed up our finals and gave it to us out of order

I asked him why he was so sloppy with his organization, but he didn't have a response.

I recommended getting a stapler. When he asked me why bother, I told him "Well, it's a staple in every test."

If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants,

I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

I messed up while sexting with Kim Jong Un.

"Send Nukes"

Atouboigrahpy.

My life is messed up.

Mans wife finds 25,000 dollars and two ears of corn in a secret trunk at their home

Wife - Why are there two ears of corn in this trunk?

Husband - I kept a ear of corn every time I messed around on you.

Wife - Oh that's not bad, 34 years of marriage and only messed around twice? What about the 25,000 dollars?

Husband - Every-time I collected a bushel I sold it.

My joke about negligence in the postal service isn't bad

but the delivery is messed up

I tried making a steak and cheese omelette but I messed up the flip...

I guess you can say that I beefed the eggsecution.

A boxer loses his sight in a freak accident.

Not being able to compete again, all he can do now is training with his loyal training partner and hitting the bag. Since he can't see, he is required to remember and move only a certain amount of steps (both forward and backwards) to keep the distance. Suddenly his partner stops the session and the boxer asks why they stopped. His partner says: we stopped because you messed up the punch line.

I had a joke about midwives...

But I messed up the delivery

^^(Thanks to u/salex100s)

Why is Owen Wilson's nose all messed up?

He KaCHOO'ed too hard!

I thought of perfect Dad joke while my wife was in labor..

But I messed up the delivery.

I stammered over the story of how I got fired from the Pizzeria.

I really messed up the delivery.

My barber died just yesterday. It's really messed up...

... I mean, who's going to cut my hair for the funeral?

Someone somewhere out there is thinking about you and the positive impact you had on their lives.

It's not me. I think you're messed up.

Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.

​

The house is still messed up as usual.

I ordered some pure Iodine-131 online a month ago.

They must have messed up, because I received mostly Xenon today.

What'd the Parisian chef say when he messed up his Pancakes?

"Aww Crepe."

Offensive warning

An English man, a Welsh man and a Pakistani man are waiting at a hospital as their wives had just given birth. A midwife comes in and explains that the name tags have been messed up and they will have to work out which baby belongs to who. The English man, by right, goes first and chooses what is clearly the Pakistani child. When the baby's father points this out to him, he says I know, but there's a Welsh kid in there and I'm not taking any chances

Memory foam pillows are the worst.

As soon as I lay down on them, I start remembering all the things I messed up during the day.

I'm so mad at the doctor that messed up my circumcision

I'd like to make him pay but my parents warned me not to go off half-cocked.

My mate asked me to untangle his earphones but I messed them up even more.

I was knot helping.

Mom tells her kid to make his bed...

Kid: "Why should I make my bed when it's going to get messed up again?"

Mom: "Why should I feed you when you're going to die anyway?"

The terrorist says "Give me money or I shoot the girl"

The family looks at each other and the boy says, "Does this mean I get her car?"

The mother says "I thought we weren't bringing work home, dear."

And the father shrugs and says, "He's doing this for free. I don't know the guy."

Then the terrorist gives up and says, "this family is more messed up than me."

This feline messed up my clothes

What a catastrophe!

Why is Satan's barber always nervous?

Because last time he messed up there was hell toupee.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One says to the other:

"I think we messed this joke up."

With how messed up 2020 and the world has been lately...

It's great to see Donald Trump so positive.

Do you know about the female cow that always messed up?

Her name was miss steak

Def Leopard is the safest band to air drum to while driving

Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.

Yeah, I know its Def Leppard, auto correct messed that up for me.

I just read about a group of suicide bombers that were dressed like clowns.

It's a really messed up story, but credit where credit's due...at least someone's trying to put the fun back in fundamentalism

Did you hear about the Doctor who messed up the circumcision badly?

He quickly got the sack.

My kitten won top prize in a cute competition.

Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!

It's a real cat-ass-trophy!

The French chef's apprentice really messed up when he dropped an ostrich egg on the floor.

Big ouef

A Reporter Asks Hillary Clinton if she Thinks Monica Will Vote for Her

A reporter asks Hillary Clinton if she thinks Monica will vote for her.

Well , Hillary replies, she already messed up one Clinton presidency, let's just hope she doesn't blow it again.

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning...

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning, saying "Windows frozen, won't open. "

I texted her back, "gently pour some hot water along the edges, and tap it with a hammer. "

After a few minutes she texted back, "computer is really messed up now. "

Moth Inspector

A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door open. The woman says, "It's my husband! You'd better hide."
She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains. Her husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up. He looks around, and sees a big bulge in the curtains, and a pair of feet sticking out underneath. He whips the curtains open, and says, "Who the hell are you?"
The man says, "I'm the moth inspector."
The husband says, "Moth inspector? Why are you naked?"
The man looks down and says, "Damn. I'm too late."

The last thing you want to hear your surgeon say is "oops"

Because if you hear that, it means your anaesthetist has also messed up..

So these three lawyers are zooming along a country road and they get into an accident with a gravedigger.

So the gravedigger pulls himself out of his car and he's okay, but the lawyers are kind of messed up, so he buries them, right there, and walks into town and calls the Sheriff. 'Sheriff,' he says, 'terrible accident I just had. Three lawyers in it, they was all dead, so I buried them.' Sheriff says, "What?
You went ahead and buried them already? Are yousure they was dead?' Gravedigger says reluctantly,
"Well, they said they wasn't, but you know how those fellas lie.

A Guy witnessed a man try to shank someone, but the man messed up and ran away. That same guy saw the same man try to shank someone again, but this time the man succeeded.

He Saw Shank Redemption

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Source: https://jokojokes.com/messed-jokes.html

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